It has been quiet. I woke, read the paper, watch the sunlight on the porch of this place, drank tea, ran errands, drank more tea, then read my new collection in its entirety. It is the first time I've ever read my work and really and truly loved it. It isn't perfect yet, but this is the closest I've ever come to what I want to do as a writer.
I read all day. The work is nearing 200 pages now, and it is dense. It like the individual parts, but together, the way the thing moves matches the idea of it, in my mind. This doesn't usually happen.
When the sun started fading in the early evening, I watched a cat come to the porch and sit. I felt the same as the cat. For once, I didn't feel like I needed to hunt and pounce. I was content to sit still and watch as the night came closer to me.
I have a new vision for my life now. This is the clearest vision I've ever had. I'm unafraid of the task of moving mountains. I'm unafraid.
All those moments I felt inadequate? All those times I felt stupid, ungainly, simple, or crazy? Those times were teachers in this school of self.
Something inside of me is changing.
Tomorrow night, back at my apartment, back in my normal life, I'm not worried this will all slip away and I'll fall into the same melancholy and anxious doubt. The new vision I have for my life is coming. If not now, then soon.
I won't doubt it again.
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