Ready for Something

I've been quiet the past few days.  It's been a partly jarring and partly calming these last few days.  I made the soup that I hope sustains me for a couple of months, a giant batch.  It tastes good.  I've been drinking my tea, burning my incense, sleeping eight hours, staying very focused, and being gentle on myself.
I've had this fantasy of what my life could be like, theoretically at least, for years.  It would be just me, soup making, tea, and a window to see a beautiful place.  Sometimes I want the view to be a forest, and sometimes I want it to be the ocean.  In this particular version of my life, it is always late fall, bleeding into winter.  I like bare limbed trees.  I also like the Northern Atlantic in winter. I don't want to be alone forever, but maybe mornings into the early afternoon.  My ideal evening is another story.
When I think about it, I start to contrast it to the way life is now.  I am mainly alone, except for work and the various functions I'm going to for writing.  But there isn't the sense of peace I'm looking for.  I'm not sure why that is.  It could be the pile in the corner of the room marked "unresolved" and me trying to ignore the pile.
But this thing i'm doing, not buying things, not eating much, increasing my focus - all of it is to the end of figuring things out.  
What is in the pile? The pile is full of feelings I don't understand.  Or if I do understand, I'm troubled by them.  I've done loads of therapy and I've learned all kinds of techniques for these things - avoidance of uncomfortable things is one thing I know I do.  Internalization is the other.  I don't want to thing about things so I ignore them, then in ignoring them, I make myself angry, and I don't express that anger.  I turn it on myself.
At some juncture in your life, you want to stop making the same type of mistake you've made over and over again.  In the quiet of these upcoming months, when I'm not going to engage in any distraction techniques, I want to get to the root of this.  Why is it better for me to direct my anger inward, why is better for me to avoid things, why is it better to even sabotage myself, rather than risk trying hard to succeed.
I know part of the answer already.  Because to succeed with what I want to do, and to be the person I want to be is so important to me, that to risk trying and failing is devastating.
Today I will meditate on a fear of failure.